"Today, in one of his first official acts as president, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisers to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn't go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota." -Conan O'Brien
"Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so there'll be no monologue." -Jay Leno
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