Great Words

“Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin’s hat.” -Jay Leno

“Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to.” -Jay Leno

“And Michele Obama’s inaugural ball gown, which she wore during the first dance — beautiful gown — was created by a designer with the last name of Wu, which is a great name for a designer, isn’t it? Because when you walk in, people go ‘woo!’ You know, Wu is so much more fortunate than that other designer, Elliott Eh.” -Jay Leno

“Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, ‘You made us so proud.’ Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of ‘You totally embarrassed us’ signs.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese’s Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The new season of ‘Lost’ kicked off tonight. If you haven’t seen it, ‘Lost’ is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It’s based on the true story of the Republican Party.” -Craig Ferguson