Conservative Christian concerns

A little airplane humor

Religious denominations

I'm thinking about having a relationship with God," a man told his best friend.

"Which denominations does your church accept?"

His friend answered, "They mainly prefer 20s and 100s."

Political joke

When my wife recently said to me that she heard there were winds of 125 mph with gusts up to 140 mph, I thought she was talking about another storm roaring up the east coast, but no, she was talking about John Boehner's last speech.

Quickie

Here's today's quickie...

I saw an ad in the paper today - "Come in and test drive one of our cars and we'll give you a free gift." What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Was it good for you too?

Poking a little fun...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with “ROMNEY 2012″ stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

You're welcome.

A Republican Joke - and the moral

A Republican's joke

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

The moral of this story...

• Republicans spend a lot of time thinking about grabbing women's breasts without their consent.
• Republicans like to see people get beat up.
• George W. Bush is nothing more than a thug.
  

Another Thought On Guns

There's a time and a place for guns, or so my thinking goes. Great for hunting, or for shooting at a range. I'm not so big on folks carrying weapons in public places.

Is the following story true - or is it just a joke? Doesn't matter - it helps me make my point.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

So, the reasoning goes, if those guys in the car were all carrying, they could have pulled their own weapons and blown the old lady away. How many bad mistakes will be made if a significant portion of the nation is armed? Sort of reminds me of the old west - and the sheriffs who required the gunslingers to leave their guns at the edge of town so that their was peace inside the town limits.

Oh well, just some thoughts that ran through my mind after I saw the joke posted on another web site.

Bush Joke In Poor Taste?

Ugly and angry woman?

Political Ha-Ha

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s elite residents, and government official’s (almost all of whom are politicians) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Political Joke: War and Iran

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Hey, isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iranians this time and one beautiful blonde."

The guy exclaimed, "A good-looking blonde? Why kill the blonde?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iranians!"

I Don't Know - Is This Funny?

I was Depressed...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Political Joke: New Element

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take anytime from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

How Many Was That?

Q: How many Iranian government officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "In Iran, our light bulbs do not burn out like in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it."

In Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says .

"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee , shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Political Joke (and I Don't Mean George Bush)

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart, George has already taught him to pro­nounce more than 200 words.
"
"Wow, that's impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize he just says the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's fine," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Political Joke

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Political Joke

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don't know what to do,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it were Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. Ron kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No, George said. “I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, over and over and over again never even denting a rock.

“No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was pound rocks all day,” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yea, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you're free to go.”

Political Joke

“Who is it?” Saint Peter asked at the sound of a knock on the pearly gates.

“It's Salvador Dali,” came the reply.

“Anyone could say that it's Dali,” said Saint Peter. “How do I know that that's who you are?”

The man promptly pulled out an artists pad and drew a convincing sketch. “You're Dali, all right,” said Saint Peter. “Come on in.”

Minutes later there was another knock. “Who is it?” Saint Peter asked.

“It's Albert Einstein,” the man said.

“How do I know that's who you really are?”

After the man explained the theory of relativity, Saint Peter waved him through the gates.

Another knock followed. When Saint Peter asked who it was, a man answered, “It's Dan Quayle.”

“Anyone could say he was Dan Quayle,” said Saint Peter. “I just had Salvador Dali and Albert Einstein at the gates and I made both of them prove who they were.”

“And who are they?”

“Come right in, Mr. Quayle.”

Political Joke

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

“Would you like male or female?”
“Female, please.”

“Would you like Black, or White?”

“White, Please.”

“Would you like Christian or Muslim?”

This question confused the man … and he replied, “What has the religion got to do with anything? It’s just an inflatable doll!”

“Well,” replied the clerk, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”