Not another damn war? Please!

Monday morning...

Hmmm, what could be going on tomorrow that might not interest Fox News viewers. Curious.

Andy Borowitz speaks

Andy makes good sense, but it doesn't fir in with the Christian rights' world domination agenda.

Speaking of same-sex marriage

Andy Borowitz on same-sex marriage.

Andy has the news...

Birthirism returns

Borowitz on Iowa

Republican voters

Andy Borowitz on the Iowa Straw Poll

		August 13, 2011 S & P Downgrades Iowa’s IQ Straw Poll ‘Alarms’ Ratings Agency AMES, IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – Calling the results of today's Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ. While the effects of such an extraordinary measure are hard to predict, experts say the IQ downgrade could result in Iowans having difficulty completing sentences or operating a television remote. “This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman. “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.” The winner in the straw poll, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), gave a rousing victory speech that was simulcast in English across the state. But there may be tough sledding ahead for Rep. Bachmann, as a new poll shows her losing support to Texas Governor Rick Perry among voters who describe themselves as morons. Gov. Perry kicked off his presidential campaign today in South Carolina, unveiling a new stump speech in which he promised to repeal the twentieth century

Qutoable quote

"Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: 'Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.'”

-- from today's Borowitz Report

Another classy Republican

Schwarzenegger: ‘I Am the Sperminator’

Former California Governor in Emotional Confession

LOS ANGELES (The Borowitz Report) – Amid rumors that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff ten years ago, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made an emotional confession at a hastily called press conference today.

“I am the Sperminator,” Mr. Schwarzenegger told the room of stunned reporters.

The former governor and film star said that he knew the child in question was his “after no one could understand a damn thing it was saying.”

He said that when he first learned he had fathered the child, he considered a variety of options to remedy the situation, including traveling back in time ten years and using a condom.

According to Mr. Schwarzenegger, today’s shocking revelation could end his political career, but he added, “On the plus side, I am now qualified to run the IMF.”

Borowits reports the news

Angry rhetoric

Bachmann's new proposal

Big speech looms

Pat Roberstson "a nightmare for me," says God

From the Borowitz Report

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of his comments about the earthquake in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson has become a "public relations nightmare" and a "gynormous embarrassment to me, personally," God said today.

In a rare press conference at the Grand Hyatt in New York City, the usually reclusive Almighty said that He was taking the unusual step of airing His feelings in public because "enough is enough."

"I pray that his TV show would just go away, but of course, when you're me there's no one to pray to," God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters.

CIA Humor - Andy Borowitz

Some political humor from Andy Borowitz...

In what some are calling a breakthrough in the hunt for the world's most wanted man, the Central Intelligence Agency revealed today that it is following Osama bin Laden on Twitter.

The decision to track Mr. bin Laden's movements, moods, and musical tastes came late last week after the agency discovered he was using the popular social networking utility."We thought we were detecting an increase in chatter from Osama bin Laden," CIA chief Leon Panetta told reporters today. "What it turned out to be was an increase in tweets."

Mr. Panetta said the agency's success in tracking Mr. bin Laden via Twitter would depend on its ability to decode a series of seemingly indecipherable messages."So far he is tweeting in code, using such terms as LOL and OMFG," Mr. Panetta said. "At this point we have no idea what he is trying to say."

Andy Borowitz Reports the News

Andy Borowitz reports on an important story breaking out of D.C. proving that Barack Obama is still working to improve this country every day. Click here to read the whole article.

Obama Sends Biden on ‘Special Mission’ to Antarctica

High-level Trip Could Last
Four Years, President Hints

In the first major initiative of his presidency, President Barack Obama today dispatched Vice President Joe Biden on what he called “an important and special mission” to Antarctica.

The news of Mr. Biden’s unexpected trip appeared to take the Vice President by surprise, as he was in the middle of making a joke about Chief Justice John Roberts to members of the press corps when the President interrupted him with the news.

Larry Craig Humor

Andy Borowitz has some fun.

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.”

Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early,” “At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job,” the associate said. “He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.”

Click here to read the whole article...

Humor - Borowitz on Robertson

Andy Borowitz posts some really funny stuff. The following is from 1/4/2007...

God Denies Talking to Pat Robertson

Supreme Being Calls Televangelist ‘Delusional’

Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his “700 Club” program that God warned him of “mass killings” in the U.S. late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist. For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference held at the Chicago Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition. But appearing before the press in His trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said that He decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because “I had to set the record straight about this.” “I want to make it clear that at no time at the end of the year did I have any conversation with the Rev. Pat Robertson,” the Supreme Being said. “Personally, I think the guy is delusional.”