Memos on Trump

 

Mindy Fischer, Writer

So a Secret Service agent who has served 7 different presidents is now saying that Trump is sicker and weirder by far than any of the others. In memos, agents described Trump as "needy," "fussy," "whiny," "high-maintenance," "emotionally volatile," "morally destitute," "functionally illiterate," and "needlessly cruel."

The memos say Trump never rides in the limo with Melania or Barron because Melania forbids it.

Agents said the floor mats in Trump's limo have to be changed out regularly because he eats so much fried chicken and fast food in the car and makes such a mess with it that the mats get coated with grease.

The memos also say that Trump likes to watch a lot of porn when he's riding in the car and he leaves the volume turned up so that the agents in the limo can hear it.

The Secret Service has had to offer bonuses to agents who drive the presidential limo because Trump smells so bad. In January at the start of his second term, Secret Service agents actually went on strike and refused to ride with him without extra "stench pay," which infuriated Trump because it caused him to miss a few of his golf trips.

The memos also say Trump regularly tries to get agents to invest in his crypto scam. He promises them it's not a pump and dump scheme, but also tells them he'll let them know ahead of time if he decides to do a rug pull on all of his investors.

Every Secret Service agent has heard Trump recommend vacationing in Moscow because "Russian girls are into some crazy stuff."

The agents say that during international events Trump tries to "accidentally" walk into the ladies' bathrooms which is always super awkward for the agents to have to witness.